Two letter word which meant the world for me.
Two letter word that makes my world upside down.
Two letter word I wish doesn’t exist.
I have this personal experience of having an EX whom I thought I’m over already.
Like I haven’t talk to him for more than a year.
We had this love-hate relationship for more than 2 years. That on-and-off relationship I’ve been looking for after the break up.
It’s quite confusing right? I left the relationship more than 2 years ago and yet I’m looking for it.
I cut our communication a year ago because I can’t go on. I can’t move on. I can’t accept the fact that he has someone new.
After a year, I thought I’m okay. I thought I’m fine. So I contacted him. To meet as friends of course. No more no less.
The first meeting went well. No awkwardness, just talking and talking and talking.
The second meeting is a bit of confusing, because after meeting him that day, I felt what I felt before. Then I felt how low I am to be with him eventhough we’re no longer together.
It sucks to feel that I am still inlove with my ex even though a year had passed for me to be okay.
Pwede pala yun. Sabi nila time heal al the wounds. Then if that’s the case, why am I still inlove with my ex after all these time?
I was able to love someone else di ba? Pero bakit nun nakita ko ulit siya or nakasama ko ulit sya mahal ko pa rin pala siya? Or iniisip ko lang na mahal ko pa siya?
After that meet, wala na ulit usap. NI hi, ni hello, ni blank message, ni wrong send, wala. So isa lang ang ibig sabihin ng lahat ng ito di ba?
Yung katiting na 0.1% na pinanghahawakan ko, wala na rin. Dahil kung talagang gusto niya ko ulit sa buhay nya, he will never let our communication be gone once more. He will never let me feel that I am neglected, taken for granted.
Sabagay, I never let him know what I feel now. HIndi niya alam na namimiss ko siya, hindi niya alam na gusto ko siyang makausap, hindi niya alam na hinahanap-hanap ko siya, hindi niya alam na nasasaktan ako, at higit sa lahat, hindi niya alam na mahal ko pa rin siya.
Ang tanong, yung mga ganong bagay ba dapat pinapaalam pa sa ex? Or pinapaalam pa sa taong concern?
For some risk takers, yes. Ganon ako dati. Para sakin, di bale ng masaktan, basta nasabi mo. Pero iba na ko ngayon, yung puso ko, puno na ng takot.. Takot na masaktan, takot maiwan, takot magtiwala, takot magmahal.
Pero lahat ng takot na yan nararamdaman ko. So ano na nga bang next move ko?
MESSAGE FOR EX.
So ano na bang plano ko?
Adeh ulitan ulit di ba? Ayawan na? Kung yung 1 year na no communication medyo umepek lang, try naman natin ang 2 years. Baka don, todo epek na. Malay natin, sa susunod na pagtatagpo ng landas natin, pareho na tayong masaya sa buhay natin. Hindi lang ikaw.
Nasasaktan man ako ngayon, I won’t regret that very day I decided to meet you again. That very day, we talked like there’s no tomorrow. I won’t regret the day I was the first one to call you that you passed your board exam. I will always be that one EX who will always remain proud to you no matter what and whoever we’ll end up with. I’ll forever be thankful that you reminded me that I’m still a human. That I am still capable of feeling pain.
I said sorry thousand times before and I know it won’t bring back what I lost. It will never bring back the past. But I just wanted to say it once more, that I am sorry. From the day I told you that we’re done until now, I’m really feeling sorry. And if I could just go back to that very day, I will never say that we’re done. But then, it’s just too late.
I’d like to say that I still love you maybe not as much as before but after all these years, you still have this special space in my heart. Lagi na lang ganon no? Napansin mo ba? Tuwing nagbebreak tayo, yung pagmamahal ko sayo hindi naman nawala.
Pero sana after ilang months or years, wala na no? Kagaya nun sayo. Sorry for realizing that I still do love you. Promise hindi ko din inaakala. Pero wag ka mag-alala. Wala ka dapat ipag-alala, wala naman akong balak sabihin sayo na mahal pa kita. Wala rin ako balak ipabasa sa’yo to. Gusto ko lang umiyak ngayong gabi. Kasi bukas, pipiliin ko ng maging masaya. Kelangan ko ng maging masaya, Because we deserve to be happy.